Why in the fuck would anyone buy this brand of string cheese?
It is joyless and hateful. This string cheese is faking it, right down to its smug mascot, which appears to be a relic of the late 80s. I am reminded of Hitler's Third Reich when eating this string cheese, which is not a good association to make.
The cheese itself is hard, as I imagine Christian Bale's pectoral muscles to be. This poses another problem with the cheese. How is the cheese supposed to string when its typical physical state is equivalent to the consistency of a microwaved english muffin? If you haven't microwaved an english muffin, DON'T. Its flaky deliciousness is best enjoyed toasted, followed by a generous application of one "butter." Make no mistakes, junior; margarine need not apply.
I must direct string cheese connoisseurs to Cheese Heads, an undoubtedly better string cheese.
This is a far better string cheese. The mascot is masculine, yet inviting. I'd let him take my wife out to dinner with full confidence she would not be filled with cheese. Nay, such a lady deserves a genuine meal, one that is balanced and contains vegetables and protein.
The French need not apply. Although it is my heritage, I have become purely American, and must reject the notion that cheese is a living thing. It is a dead and cold food item, processed to top my mystery meat McDonalds patties.
